Setting Boundaries When a Family Member is Angry

Setting boundaries to protect yourself can be challenging when a family member or loved one struggles, especially if they direct anger toward you. However, prioritizing your own needs and limits is essential to being the best caregiver you can be. This article explores three effective skills for setting boundaries when a family member is angry in a way that reduces frustration and distress in your relationship.

Know Your Limits

Being yelled at by a family member can be distressing, leaving you feeling anxious, hurt, or even scared. While it’s important to understand that their anger may stem from their mental health condition, you don’t have to accept being yelled at or treated poorly. Setting personal boundaries is essential for your well-being.

It’s normal to find boundary-setting conversations challenging. You may struggle with establishing them, maintaining them when crossed, or reinforcing them over time.

One effective way to establish boundaries is by using interpersonal effectiveness skills. These skills can help you communicate your needs clearly while maintaining mutual respect. Tools like Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) can be especially helpful in this process.

Using DBT Skills to Set Boundaries When a Family Member Is Angry

DBT, developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan, is specifically designed to help with interpersonal effectiveness – the ability to maintain relationships while clearly communicating your limits and preserving self-respect.

Caring for a loved one with depression or bipolar disorder can be challenging, as both of you navigate overwhelming emotions and difficulties. When symptoms are active, your family member may have little control over their behavior. However, this doesn’t mean you must sacrifice your safety or emotional boundaries to support them.

It is possible to care for your loved one while also taking care of yourself.

1. The DEARMAN Skill

DBT offers many interpersonal effectiveness skills, including DEARMAN, which is useful for managing high-emotion situations.

A DEARMAN conversation might look something like this:

Describe what is going on: say, “Right now, you are yelling and speaking very fast, which is making it hard for us to have an effective discussion.”

Express how you feel: “I feel like I am not being heard in this conversation. I care about you deeply, but being yelled at does not make me feel good.”

Assert: yourself or your boundaries: “I will not help you fix the situation if you continue to yell and interrupt me.”

Reinforce the benefits: “If we work together, we can probably get this solved within a reasonable time frame.”

Be mindful of your boundaries: do not give in to any actions that would violate your boundaries or self-respect. However, this may take practice, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you must work on this skill for a bit.

Assert yourself: stand your ground and use an assertive tone of voice that communicates your point but is not hostile.

Negotiate: “I am willing to work with you if you can consider a different method, but I cannot negotiate with you if you continue to speak like that to me.”

The DEARMAN skill helps with requesting favors, setting boundaries, explaining decisions, and more.

2. The GIVE skill

The GIVE skill can be used in everyday situations as a good way to maintain your boundaries in all aspects of life. It is typically used for cultivating healthy communication with others.

GIVE communication works in this way:

Be Gentle. Initiate conversations with respect and maintain a considerate tone throughout.

Act Interested. Showing genuine interest is imperative for effective communication. People will tell you more if they feel that you genuinely care about what they are saying.

Validate – acknowledge how the other person is feeling and show that you understand why the person might be feeling that way. It is important to note that this does not mean that you are excusing their behavior.

Use an Easy Manner. A warm tone, friendly demeanor, and responsive body language help others feel heard.

3. The FAST Skill

FAST is used to protect yourself and maintain boundaries. FAST can help you maintain your self-respect and boundaries, and when used in combination with GIVE it supports effective and mutually respectful communication.

The FAST skill is based on these values:  

Be Fair. Treat both yourself and others fairly in communication. If your boundaries are weak, it’s easy to forget this balance.

Don’t (over)-Apologize. Excessive apologies can signal a lack of confidence and may encourage others to disregard your boundaries.

Stick to your values. Boundaries stem from your core values—don’t compromise them under pressure.

Be Truthful. Honest communication builds trust, while dishonesty can undermine it.

Setting Boundaries with an Angry Family Member Takes Time, Patience, and Practice

Establishing and maintaining boundaries can be challenging, especially if your loved one resists them. However, they may also struggle with their own boundaries. Open discussions can be a powerful tool for strengthening relationships and improving communication. Healthy communication fosters mutual understanding and makes relationships more resilient.

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Author

Cameron Bartlett is a volunteer blog copywriter for Families for Depression Awareness, a psychology major undergrad student at UMass Lowell, and works in direct care with patients in a behavioral health unit. Cameron first became fascinated with abnormal psychology and is now expanding into cognitive psychology, assisting a professor at UML in a research lab. In his free time, Cameron listens to music of all kinds, walks dogs, and spends lots of time with his family and friends.

Copy Editor

Nicole is a social worker turned adult learning expert with a passion for digital accessibility and plain language. She volunteers as an editor to help FFDA equip people with tools to support their loved ones. In her free time, Nicole enjoys podcasts, reading, painting, volunteering, and photography.