5 Ways to Get Your Tween Talking About Their Mental Health

Regular conversations about mental health help to reduce stigma, foster connection, and build resilience. These conversations are especially important during the early adolescent years when kids may be at greater risk for anxiety and depression. But how do you get your tween to talk beyond short responses of “fine” or “good?” While no one approach will work for every tween every time, there are things you can do to help create an open, nonjudgmental environment. Here are 5 ways to get your tween talking about their mental health:

1. Model vulnerability

Talk with your tween about emotional struggles or challenges you’ve experienced. This not only helps to normalize conversations around mental health, but by being vulnerable, you help create a safe space for your tween to do the same. Using age-appropriate language, identify times you have felt anxious, sad, angry, or rejected. Talk about how you managed these challenges. Explain that reaching out for help is a sign of strength and help your tween identify people they can count on for support. 

2. Try broaching the subject while engaging in an activity your tween enjoys

Your tween might be less likely to open up if they feel cornered or put on the spot. One way to avoid this is through shared experiences like cooking, playing games, or going on walks together. Let the dialogue flow naturally and look for an opportunity to bring up the topic of mental health. For example, while cooking together, you might comment that the smell of certain ingredients evokes memories or emotions. Walking past a neighbor’s house might be an opportunity to check in about your tween’s social relationships.

Think of it as casting a fishing line; if your tween doesn’t “bite” right away, don’t force it. Even if a conversation about mental health does not take place at that moment, you are creating a sense of connection and safety that will help your tween to open up in the future.

3. Pair observations with open-ended questions to get your tween talking

Tweens can be sensitive to criticism or perceived judgment. Instead of saying, “You seem depressed,” try pairing an objective observation with open-ended questions. For example, you could say, “I noticed you’ve been spending more time alone in your room lately. How have things been going?” or, “You seemed quieter than usual at dinner last night. Is anything on your mind?” This shows that you notice and care about your tween’s feelings and invites them to share their emotional experiences in a non-threatening environment.

4. Use a rating scale

Tweens sometimes have a hard time putting their feelings into words. They also might not feel like talking at length about what they are going through. A rating scale can give you a snapshot of your tween’s mental health while opening the door for a broader conversation. Ask your tween to rate their mental health on a scale from 1 (worst) to 10 (best). 

If their answer falls on the low end of this scale, resist the urge to jump to worst-case conclusions. Instead, ask questions like, “What are your biggest stressors right now?” or “How can I best support you when you are feeling low?” You can also ask them to share the high and low points of their day. This not only helps your tween articulate their emotions but also normalizes the ups and downs of daily life.

5. Validate, don’t fix

When a loved one is struggling, it can be tempting to jump into problem-solving mode. While well-intentioned, unsolicited advice can come across as dismissive or invalidating. Tweens often want understanding and empathy more than solutions. You can help validate your tween’s experience by reflecting back what you’ve heard. For example, if your tween is feeling overwhelmed by their commitments and responsibilities, you could say, “You have a lot going on right now; it’s understandable that you would be feeling stressed.”

By listening and validating instead of trying to fix, you reinforce that your tween’s experiences are legitimate and that it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling. This ultimately empowers your tween to come up with their own solutions to or ways of coping with the situation.

It takes time to get your tween talking about their mental health

Talking about mental health can help reduce the risk of anxiety and depression, reinforce positive coping skills, and empower tweens to seek emotional support when needed. The strategies above will help create an environment conducive to open and honest conversations with your tween. Remember that not every strategy will work in every situation, and building an open line of communication is an ongoing effort, not a one-time task. The important thing is to consistently show your tween that you care about their mental health and that you are there for them if and when they want to talk.

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Author

Lindsay Schwartz is a psychotherapist in private practice in Acton, MA, where she specializes in the treatment of depressive and anxiety disorders. She has a background in school counseling and a special interest in mindfulness-based treatments. Lindsay earned her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and English from Williams College, and her Master’s degree in Social Work from Simmons College. In her free time, Lindsay enjoys writing, reading, running, and spending time with her husband and 2 children.

Copy Editor

Nicole is a social worker turned adult learning expert with a passion for digital accessibility and plain language. She volunteers as an editor to help FFDA equip people with tools to support their loved ones. In her free time, Nicole enjoys podcasts, reading, painting, volunteering, and photography.