5 Conversation Starters to Get the Men in Your Life to Talk
People who identify as men are often reluctant to talk about mental health. Gender stereotypes promote the idea that men should be tough and stoic, solving problems on their own instead of reaching out to others for support. In addition, men might see talking about their feelings as weak or vulnerable instead of an integral part of good mental health. How do you get the men in your life to talk about something they may have been conditioned to repress or ignore? Here are some general tips and 5 conversation starters you can use with the men in your life.
First, choose the right time and place for a private conversation. It might help to broach the subject while you are doing an activity together, as your loved one might feel more comfortable with “shoulder-to-shoulder” communication than “face-to-face.” Avoid technical jargon and labels, opting instead for open-ended inquiries like, “How have you been managing the stress at school lately?” Beware of the urge to dole out advice or “fix” whatever problem your loved one might be facing. Instead, use validating statements like “It makes sense that you would feel that way” or “I get where you are coming from.”
Get the Men In Your Life to Talk
Now that you have a sense of how to approach a conversation about mental health with the men in your life, here are 5 ways to open up the dialogue.
1. Make an observation
Mental health struggles can present differently in men and women. Because men are often discouraged from talking about their emotions, they may be more likely to show behavioral symptoms like social withdrawal, substance use, or increased aggressiveness. If you have noticed a change in your loved one’s behavior, start your conversation with an observation. Try to stick to observable facts instead of making assumptions about what those facts mean– for example, “I’ve noticed you’ve been more quiet lately.”
2. Reference an article, book, or podcast
Another way to start a conversation about mental health is to talk about something relevant that you read or heard recently. For example, “Young Blood” is an award-winning podcast that features men under 40 talking about their mental health. The book I Don’t Want to Talk About It focuses on the often undiagnosed issue of male depression. And multiple male celebrities have come out in recent years to talk about their mental health struggles, from Jim Carrey to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
3. Ask about a specific situation
Is your loved one facing a particular challenge at work, school, or within their circle of friends? Ask about it. Experts at Shout, a UK-based mental health app, recommend using “what,” “who,” and “how” questions versus “why” questions, which can feel invalidating. For example, “How have you been managing that situation at work?” or “Who do you trust the most among your friends?”
4. Share your own experiences
People who struggle with mental health often feel like they are the only ones. Sharing your own emotional challenges helps to create a safe and non-judgmental space for your loved one to talk about their experiences. This approach also helps to normalize conversations about mental health, showing the men in your life that it is okay to talk about these issues.
5. Get creative/playful
If your loved one is still reluctant to open up about his mental health, you may need to try a less direct approach. Ask them to identify the “high” and “low” of the day, for example, or pose the classic “3 wishes” question (If you could have 3 wishes in the world, what would they be?). Then follow up with more open-ended questions such as, “What would granting that wish change for you?”
Keep the Door Open to Get the Men In Your Life to Talk
Due to societal expectations, people who identify as men may be hesitant to talk about their mental health. The above tips and conversation starters can help the men in your life feel more comfortable opening up about their feelings and experiences. Just remember to be patient and respect your loved one’s boundaries. Don’t take it personally if they don’t immediately respond the way you had hoped. Let them know that it’s okay if they don’t want to talk now and ask them what would be a better time and place. Reinforce that you are asking not to be annoying or intrusive, but because you care about them.
Lindsay Schwartz is a psychotherapist in private practice in Acton, MA, where she specializes in the treatment of depressive and anxiety disorders. She has a background in school counseling and a special interest in mindfulness-based treatments. Lindsay earned her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and English from Williams College, and her Master’s degree in Social Work from Simmons College. In her free time, Lindsay enjoys writing, reading, running, and spending time with her husband and 2 children.