Missy, Bill, and Katherine
Bill
How did you react to
Missy's hospitalization?
I was very upset when she went into the hospital. I didn't really understand
what was going on. She seemed to be fine and then all of a sudden she was
in the psych unit. I had never dealt with the idea that someone really close
to me having psychological troubles. I'd thought about car accidents or
traumas, but never something like this that I knew so little about.
I work as a pharmaceutical representative, so I'm interested in the medical
field. In my job, I learned a lot about antidepressants and have wanted to
help people get better. So, I read a lot of medical textbooks. I realized
that depression is really hard to understand and deal with it. There is no
simple solution.
How did you cope with Missy's condition?
I thought I dealt with it pretty well, but I did eventually develop a tic.
I went to see a psychologist after a few years. The psychologist said, 'how
long have you had this tic?' I said, 'what are you talking about?'
I didn't know I had it. I tried to focus on taking care of Katherine.
I made all the meals. Some days Missy would take care of her, other times
I did it.
I was always analyzing the situation thinking 'how can I make this better?'
I worried about whether her blood sugar was ok, if she had eaten a meal in
the last few hours. I wondered whether she needed more exercise, or suffered
from a lack of sunshine in the wintertime. I was always thinking there must
be some way to fix this. I couldn't deal with the fact that it's a
chronic, biological condition that has to be managed.
One difficulty is I could never predict what the next day was going to be
like. I never knew if I was going to have a good day, or week, or month. The
day could start out fine, but then I could get home from work and it would
be terrible. If Missy is feeling terrible, then I'm on duty for the rest
of the day. I wasn't upset that I was doing too much work; I was just
so upset to see her in such a mess.
What were the worst points for you?
After the hospital, for at least four years, she was depressed most of the
time. It was rough. We could be invited to someone's house and I'd
say yes and then the time would come and I'd have to call and say we couldn't
come. It was a mess. It was unpredictable and worrisome. Our relationship
fell apart. I couldn't help but feel like there was something wrong with
me that was making her depressed.
When she was depressed, she didn't have any love to give. She was very
good with Katherine, but I knew she was acting. Then her reserve of energy
was gone. So, we definitely drifted apart. The marriage suffered. Five or
six years ago, I would have told you that there was no doubt that the marriage
was not going to survive.
I would hold Missy's hand and give a hug, but I didn't get much emotion
back. I started to feel I was useless and not able to help at all. I focused
more on helping Katherine. I did feel angry at times because it was robbing
me of my life, my right to enjoy myself.
What helped you?
A couple of things happened. Missy started getting better. Also, I was inept
at talking about my feelings. We went to a couple's therapist and I learned
to show more emotion and talk about my feelings. That brought us closer together.
It's nice now; we're so much better.
What advice do you have?
Don't feel that you're part of the problem. Always remember that this
is a biological condition, it's not because you're a bad spouse. Be
supportive and loving and know that medication can make a huge difference.
In a chronic situation, you should definitely see a specialist, a psychiatrist,
not just a primary care physician. Primary care doctors are overwhelmed with
new drugs coming out and there's no way that they can keep up with them
all. Counseling is definitely helpful. Have hope. There is help out there.
It is probably going to be a manageable situation.
Missy, Bill, and Katherine | Missy's story | Bill's story
