Dennis
How have you adjusted your lifestyle?
I had a good therapist who pointed out that I had too much stress in
my life. I was trying to pretend that I didn't have this condition
and wouldn't make any concessions to it. I was a design engineer,
taking all the pressure that this job would normally take. I was folding
under it. The therapist finally made me aware that the job I was doing
was detrimental to my health. I had to find ways of taking stress out
of my life. Leading support groups as a volunteer at the MDDA
(Manic Depressive and Depressive Association) became my job.
Both Joan and I have taken a lot of stresses out of our lives, stresses that
can put you over and send you into the hospital. We've had to lower our
expectations in life. I've lost everything a number of times, as has Joan.
Knowing that, we are not that attached to our possessions and we can get through
pretty much anything. I realize that we're kind of coasting now, but that
could change. I'm grateful for the boring times. I don't crave danger
or action, because I know that it can come and tear things up. Stability used
to be something that wasn't in my vocabulary.
How are support groups helpful?
I have been leading support groups for 11 years. Usually when people first
come to a group, their reaction is 'I'm home, I've found people
that finally understand me.' The first day in most support groups is an
immediate relief. There is a profound recognition and connection to other
people that really drives the group. People feel like they can finally breathe,
relax, and be with other people in way they haven't been able to before.
When someone else is talking, you identify with it, because it resonates with
an experience that you have had. You don't have to speak, all you have
to do is listen and make connections.
How does your relationship
with Joan work?
My love is not predicated on Joan getting better. I saw Joan for what she
was and she would say, 'how can you love me like this?' I was married
before and when I was depressed, I felt an inability to love. But my previous
wife still loved me and that made me feel guilty and horrible because I couldn't
reciprocate.
I've have days when I'm depressed and Joan understands, she doesn't
try to make demands of me. I find it difficult now to see how I could live
with someone who didn't have the illness and didn't have this intimate
knowledge of it.
Joan and I went to Paris in the first few years we met and Joan was really
depressed. I didn't try to get her to go out. Having that understanding
was invaluable. I didn't say, "pull yourself together, you need to
get out, you can do it, it's all in your head". Depression is achy,
it's all through you, and it invades every part of your psyche. If a partner
doesn't understand that, it causes tension in the relationship.
