Dennis
How did your condition deteriorate?
After my initial recovery, I went back to school to get a masters degree in
engineering. The medications were transparent, except for a little dry mouth.
I told the doctor that I was better. I thought it was over. No one told me
manic depression is for life. The doctor took me off the medication. Within
weeks I was depressed again.
I went through another cycle where the medication was transparent. I told
the doctor that I was better and he took me off the medication. Again, I got
depressed. But this time, the medication didn't work when I went back
on. After a while, none of the medications worked. I had difficulty with medications
for 20 years. One medication worked for eight years, then stopped. For five
more years, I tried to find something. Sometimes I'd have a blip of mania,
be hospitalized, then become immediately depressed.
My life fell apart. I lost my job. I had a real suicide attempt. I kept trying
to find a treatment that would work. Finally in 1990, a different doctor gave
me a new mood stabilizer plus an antidepressant. Within a month, I was feeling
better. I went back to school and got another masters degree. It took two
years to completely recover and get the dose right.
How did you feel once you finally
recovered?
All of a sudden a lot of emotions and feelings came up. I felt very sad over
what happened to me. I felt like I woke up a new person and wondered how I
became that way. I wanted to escape that feeling. A similar experience happened
to a friend of mine. My friend recovered and said, 'Now I'm really
depressed. I'm living on someone else's porch. I've lost my job
and my family. I don't have anything. I wish that I were depressed again
because all I had to think about was one thing: getting through the day without
killing myself. Now I have to make choices and think about possibilities and
a future that I never thought I could have.'
It's hard to deal with how devastating this illness can be, even though
I have periods of doing well. Doing well are long-fought battles for years
and years. These periods are a gift that can be taken away.
